The question rarely asked.

The question rarely asked.

I didn't know how to answer when I was asked that. I didn't respond as quickly as I thought I would have. I've always asked myself that question, and always answered, “No”, but I don’t know why, but when I hear it from a third party, I couldn't. First would be me, second would be you personally, third would be from someone else.

I was lost for words, I couldn't reply. Yes or no? Is the answer that simple? Can it ever be that simple with you? Our relationship was never ‘simple’, it was beyond complicated. Who am I kidding? Relationships never are simple. Pfft.

“Do you still love her?”
“I do.”

How can I say no? You were my first. Like an Adele song, “Didn't I give it all?”

I gave a ‘simple’ justification that you were my first love, and I can never forget, how much I grew, how I felt, and how you made me feel.

Anyone would take the answer as legit as it would, and acknowledge, but I can’t. It was still a ‘simple’ answer.

I don’t know how I can make myself happier with another answer, but that was the best I could give in that given time.

“Deep inside, I feel like I will never give anyone else as much as I have given to you. Am I scarred? Do I have commitment issues? Or is love relevant anymore? In the cornerstone of my heart, I know that I love you, and always will, but it’s not plausible at all. You've found your significant other, while you remain to be mine.

When we were together, being with you, I've always made a resolution within my own mind, that you will be the one I will always be. I've never told you this; because I was afraid it might come off as desperate and too ‘clingy’. And to be honest, it would. That statement is an overflowing of cliché, but that was how I felt. Proof of that would be how I still feel for you.

I waited for you to come back, or a time that it would be fitting for me to run back to you, then you found your ‘other’, and I realized that I have lost you, or you've ‘lost’ me. “We are still friends right?” you asked, “Best of friends,” I said. But that is all we will ever be. ‘Friends’. Guess, I could still wait for you.”

Do you ever think of me, in the quiet, in the crowd? – Mumford &amp Sons.

A buddy.

After having dinner with you, walked around and playing archery, I realized you're a really good buddy.
A buddy I don't mind having to hang out with.
but also a buddy, I don't mind doing more.

A buddy.

Leggo 2013

Hey, it's been awhile hasn't it?
Was really busy and lazy to update, knowing I would somehow write a lot.
Which would take a lot of my time up, which is bad, because I always write in the wee hours, and it disturbs my sleeping pattern, making me unable to wake up on time for class.

Let's see, what happened since new years past.
1. New Year passes.
2. One of my best friend went overseas.
3. First studio recording for my bands' song.
4. Insecurities rose.

We shall start with the first one on the list, the New Year.
For starters, I honestly, deep down from my heart, enjoyed 2012.
I guess, it's mostly because I came out from my 'depression phase'. For so long, I forced myself to believe that I was okay after my previous relationship, that if I let go of her, I never truly loved her.
but what I realized was, how could I truly love someone, if I didn't love myself.
It sound like a paradigm of thoughts, but that is how it is.
But I am glad that I can actually think of her, not feel guilt, pain nor anger anymore, but more in the sense of calmness.
In the end of 2012, I was glad to be single and I finally felt how it felt to be single before getting into a relationship. The freedom, from emotional bonds, responsibility and being love-sick.

Secondly, Tuck the comedian and my friend, went overseas.
Well, I didn't really miss him that much, since we never really hangout everyday like we used to in Pre-U, but while writing this now, I feel sad.
I guess it's the fact that I'm admitting it to myself that now, I don't have someone to share all my problems with, or my deep down weird ass thoughts. That 'guy' friend, when I just need to hangout with.
He's an intelligent and a good person to have a conversation with. And all we do is just sit down, talk about life, girls and our future. It might seem like any other conversations, but I feel like our conversations have depths and it wouldn't end 'till the wee hours in the morning.

Thirdly, my band, All the Angels, recorded our first single! OMGOSH, that just happened. Yes. It. Did.
It's not exactly my band, but yeah, the music we created together is going to be on a MP3, which means a lot to me, because I've been dreaming for a day, that I would hear our music in the radio.
I'm not entirely satisfied with the whole process because, we were supposed to record two songs, and we ended up recording one, because the first was out of tempo. And my guitarist had a terrible sore-throat which means, he couldn't really give his 100% all for the recording, which was a bit of a bummer. But, all is well.

And lastly, my insecurities about life.
I almost got into an accident while going to Penang, but obviously I survived, and it makes you realize for that split second that, "Hey, nothing is as bad as dying."
I know that might sound a bit straightforward, but it is true.
We worry about so many problem and things in life, but it's not as bad as dying.
I guess that could be seen in two perspective, pessimistically or optimistically. And I choose the latter.
The other insecurities is, before the year ended, I was thinking of the year, and how it's been for me, then I thought about the women in my life, and would I eventually start a relationship with someone next year or somewhere in the future.
In 2012, I kinda promised myself that I won't get married, I guess after my ex, I'm just a bit terrified and insecure to give someone my 'all' anymore. And if I can't give my 'all' to someone, I rather not give at all.
It's a little selfish, but that is my defense mechanism.
And all that thinking made me feel really lonely, to know that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I know I have friends and all, but that doesn't constitute for everything. Friends are friends, and lovers are lovers.
If I have the gift of celibacy, I would accept it, but if I don't, I really hope I get a sign from God that I will eventually find someone in the future.

And that's that.
I know for sure 2013 would be a great and good year.
I've never truly feel so ambitious about a looking ahead, and now I am.
LEGGO 2013.

"If love comes your way, don't be afraid, unlock the box your heart encased."
- Maybe I'm just tired, As tall as lions. -