Why was I how I was?

Why was I how I was?

I didn’t know what that ‘umph’ feeling was.
Ruined a night, ruined a day.

Got me thinking, whether it was a happy or sad thing.
After a day of thinking,
it was neither. Or maybe it was both.

If it was sad, I guess it’s ‘cause of the memories came flashing back and all,
Nostalgic… that would be my defense.

If it was a happy one, it’s cause..
I got to see you? After such a long time. Almost a month, no?

-----------------------------------

I’ve put in, way too much connotation in the Moon.
and everytime as I gaze at it, I would think of you.

The Moon became something that I really adored and looked forward too, because,
our month-vesary would always have a full Moon.

A friend asked me, “Why does everyone look at the moon as if it’s something beautiful and round and perfect? If you look closely, it has holes and it’s not really white. “
“Like every other human, we ain’t perfect with our flaws and ugliness. But deep down we’re beautiful.” I replied.

The thing with accepting someone else’s differences, it takes a lot. When I say a lot I mean A LOT.
We accept the ones we love eventhough they’ve hurt us over and over again.
May it be, family, or even friends.
but the funny thing is, we didn’t let go.
of the feelings, memories, hopes and dreams.

Maybe we’re just fools or dreamers hoping the best that would come out of the situation. Not accepting reality and fact.
but living off the fictional side of the story, in our hearts.

----------------------------------

Someone who would take a chance on me, and give me a try.
but I’ve build this defense mechanism in me,
to not get hurt.

Pushing away the possibilities of a heartbreak, whenever it is.

That’s why I wouldn’t take the chance.
Wouldn’t take step of courage,
to not leap forward, but rather staying where I am now.

I wouldn’t want to hurt you, and you me.
But..
Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, will be. 

A day away,
from that day,

which made so much difference,

which I try not to reference.

Rhythm & Melody

Do you have that one thing that doesn't leave you?

That will always be there for you no matter what.

Well. I have.

Even in my darkest times, in my happiest of times too.

I realized that I never really appreciate it till I was left with it for a long time.

But the funny thing about is, it could make me sad or happy. 

Even when I’m all high up in the sky, but then suddenly, BAM, I just feel that sudden cold breeze.

Well, however ironic or hypocritical it could be, I would say I love it.

It is music.

For a long time now, I would always have my earplugs with me, whenever I go out.

Cause I needed a sense that, ‘someone/something will always be there for me, whenever I need them.’

It sounds foolish now, thinking and talking about how I treat music. But that’s how I see it.

I realize that nothing and no one can be there for me all the fucking time. 

My friends, they have their own life and their own group of friends too,

My close friends, are too busy with ‘assignments’ and their social life,

and I’m left all alone.

But I don’t mind being alone, cause I can stand being alone. 

I was alone when I was 8, and I can be alone if I want to now.

but,

I’m blessed, with awesome people surrounding me.

“Being alone, doesn't necessary mean you’re lonely,

Being lonely, doesn't necessary means you’re alone”

We can hide behind our walls of failures, dreams, hopes or expectations,

we wait for people to come break them down,

sometimes, some people can,

but, some cant.

For the wall we set up, is just way too high, and it’s unachievable.

“We sometimes look and long for somethings that we want,

rather than the things that we need, and what we always needed, was in-front of us the whole time.”

I always take long walks, from uni to my car or even to college.

It’s because I take that time to be alone, and be with something that I love,

music.

It has always been there for me.

and I ask you,

to find something you need, rather than want.

“I make it look easy.”

2nd Oct

Happy Birthday. hmm. :)

Kimjongilia

Is a documentary about North Korean citizens that found their way out of that country to find a new life.

What all of them had in common was that they were trying to escape.
Escape from the pain of being there and the fear of being beaten or worst, killed.

As the survivors tell their story, it’s very obvious that life there was hell and still is. But they really need to get away from all of that fake so called love of their leader Kim Jong Il.

There’s this part of the interview, where his death was taken so seriously, because the citizens there were thought that he was some kind of ‘god’.

I quote a survivor, “How Christians say grace to God before they eat, we say grace to Kim Jong Il.”

People thought that it would be the end of the world when he passed, because their ‘god’ has somehow died and no one was there to protect them. But a man, realize how stupid that was and made his decision to leave North Korea.

That got me thinking, do we stay in the lies of others?
Do we live in their mistakes?
Is there no way out?

I believe in “decisions”.

The decisions we make will always do good for us in the future or now, whatever it is. It’s because we choose whatever happens to us.
Even when we get into an accident, it’s the mistake of another that causes our sadness and pain, but we make the decision to get out of the ridiculous state of mind.

Pain and suffering comes after the storm, so that when it comes again, we would be more than ready to get hit again.

Life itself is a very ironic thing. Since we’re young, we’re always thought that there would be a happy ending at every “The End.”
and when we come to a place in our lives and it’s not how we imagine it to be, where all the smiles and laughter are replaced by tears and pain. I was reminded that, “If it’s not a happy ending, it’s not the end.”

Whatever is thrown at my face, I will take it head on with all my might to know that there’s always something bigger and better in the future. Because I know that whatever happens now is a gift from God, because I’m still alive and well.

They say, “It’s the journey that matters.”
no matter how my life ends, the main thing is how I got there.

This year in my life, I’ve met real awesome people.
Friends that I wish I never replace, experiences and memories I wish never be forgotten.

September ended, time to wake up. (:

what is?

It’s 7:14 now and it’s officially 22 hours of no sleep.
There’s lots in my mind and I just can’t seem to stop thinking.
Everything in my mind is now in a blur.
Not knowing what is more important than the other, but there is one thing in particular that keeps popping in my mind.

“Do we do what’s right?” or “Do we do what makes us happy?”

After a long nice productive talk with a friend, the end topic was, “What makes us ‘truly happy’?”
For all the things and times that I have spent with you, was it worth it all?

Does doing the right things makes us happy?
or
Is doing the things that makes us happy, right?

Was it a mistake or a blessing? Was it patience or self-control? Was it fear or strength? Was it a waste or worth it? Was it fake or real? Was it painful or harmful? Was it dangerous or safe? Was it sacrifice or reward?
Was it stupidity or love?

Gahhh..

What I know off now is, I miss my friend. Am I still one of yours?
I still care.

I'm so sorry..

"Living life in the 'single' lane,
Made me wonder about life,
Whether I could love again,
Thinking I was afraid to take the dive.

Before, I thought I moved on,
The past behind, it's long gone,
Or is it better forgotten,
Or leave it as an unnecessary burden.

Yes, no, time will eventually still tick,
Going forward and not stopping,
Life gave me a kick,
To stop hoping and dreaming.

Well, that's all I know,
'My' point of view,
Time to go with the flow,
Start things afresh, anew.

Still, there are things I can't help,
Memories, wonder and all,
Maybe all I need is a nap,
To recover from that once so heavy fall.

I'm up and strong now,
With experience and thicker skin,
Too many times I've said "oww",
Open my eyes, a new life begin.

Met someone who showed me something,
We call it 'love',
Something I've been missing,
Even from the 'Man' above.

My prayers answered,
Even if it was a long time ago,
Whoops, I'm caught, busted,
Love comes back, how can u say no?"

What are the signs of someone being happy?
That has become a mystery to me over the past few weeks.
Is it when they smile? cry? what?

Smiling don't mean, "I'm happy."
It might as well mean, "I'm coping, thank you very much."

For what's worth, I know I'm happy NOW.
Does it matter if I know I'll get sad in the near future?
Gah.. that won't happen.

My eyes are wide open now.

You can't hide. I see you. Come back.

"Have I lost a friend?"

거짓말.

just a little.

I had to come to a point my life where I had to ask myself, “Wth is wrong with you Rhys?”

I haven’t been myself lately, and all the things I do and say is like a mask that I have to wear.
I’m sick and tired of people pitying on me, giving me all this false hopes and dreams and whatnots.
I ain’t perfect.

I’ve been staying strong for way too long, but that doesn’t mean I’m bullet proof.
Treat me like how you treated me before, and not show me ‘mercy’ or compassion.

The past week, everyone seemed down. Well not everyone, but the ones I care for.
and it hurts to see people down and depressed or sad.
Either it’s you, or my close friends.

I try to be myself, and try to be the all supporting and positive when I’m approached for help.
but bit by bit, it sinks into me.
I cant help to feel what they feel too.
Loneliness.Betrayal.Misunderstood.Forgotten.

Thought I moved on completely.. but after a simple greeting, no I wasn’t. heh. Silly.

Silly silly me..

I promised a friend, that I will stay strong. Not for my friends or whoever, but for myself too.
and THIS is a reminder to self.
“Stay strong. Do it for yourself. It’s always worth it.”

Full moon tonight. Heh.