Core.

I don't want to get married.
I don't want to have kids.
I don't want a nice and perfect family..
If it isn't with you.

This is sort of a promise I made to myself.

Somewhere deep in me, I have this idealistic point of view on love. That there'll be only one person I'll ever love.. And sad to say, I already did.

There's no way she'll ever return the favour of loving me, which means all of the above.

Would you be ready to live life knowing that you won't ever find another significant other..
'Cause I am.

I know it's kind of a silly notion, and that I might as well be prepared to live alone for the rest of my life like that..
And I am.
Or you could even say that I'm not opening myself up to anyone.
If God does send someone, she'd be the one.. Till then, I don't care.

On the other hand, I could be wrong.
Maybe she's not the one.
Maybe it wasn't love.
Maybe there is more out there.
Just.. Maybe.

"Lord you know me till the very core,
And deep inside, I know there must be more." - Abba

Nostalgia.

The Tale of the Lost Cup

Today, I was drinking soya bean from a cup.
and what made this experience a little different,
was the fact that it was the cup I wanted to give to Audrey.

Well, like always, I had something up my sleeves, for the future.
So I just bought it a few months before its' scheduled date.
Wanted to gave it during a month-vesarry sort of thingie,
but.. didn't managed to.

So I put it away like most of the other things,
in a box,
in a corner,
away.

Until I saw it again today.
I was honestly shocked, and started panicking,
quickly asked my maid where she found it,
not sure if anyone knew what the initials were for.

She said my mom gave it to her,
because my mom couldn't stand my messy room,
and cleaned it all up, by herself.
what.a.mom.

And I was sort of wondering what should I do with it?
Should I have thrown it out?
Should I have broken it into pieces?
No, I chose to used it.
Mostly because, it's to serve me a reminder.

A reminder of the past 11months of my life, without this girl.
How I changed, how I grew, how I survived, and how I experience life after that.
It was definitely different, but..
I'm here today, telling you,
"I'm better."

Thinking about the time that cup stayed in that corner,
reflects a bit about my life.
About how I kept a part of me in a corner of the world,
so that no one else could ever take a peek of it.

I guess, the only way for it to resurface, and see light once more,
is that a stressed up, annoyed person to clean me up, and sort things into order.

and for now, the cup is doing fine.
I definitely will use it, cause it's useful, in many ways. 

Comfortable Silence

Is it better to express or to retain your feelings.?

If you tell, you're admitting.
If you don't, you're lying to yourself.
But when you don't mention anything about that feeling, it could just slip away like a paper under a door.

I guess, it depends on the situation. As it is kinda tricky and subjective.
It might work for me, but not for you.

I have this silent feeling in me, that I will just tell only 'you' (whoever is reading this).

——————————————

I hate it when people go all, "Why do you have to relate everything back to her? I don't think your argument is valid through 'that'. Everrrryyyttthiiing is about her isn't it??"

And I'm like, "Dafaq!?"

The things Audrey did to my life.
1. I grew up. I became more matured as an adult. I know what to expect in a relationship and how to handle them.

Regardless of anything, 'we' had a relationship. And that counts.

2. The experience I shared with her was not only just memorable, but lessons in life.

I learned more about myself as I was with her. That I was this egoistic, prideful guy, and she changed me. To be a better man for myself, for her.

The hurt, the joy and her, taught that it's not all about me, but that significant other.

3. The real meaning of, 'Love'.

The only way to give up, is giving up.

You don't give excuses of distance, time, money and DEFINITELY NOT the lack of love.

You don't call it love, if it fades. If it does fade, ask yourself, "Is that your limit to love? That something so small and micro, like distance measures the size of your love?"

Imagine this, your significant other asks you, "How much do you love me?" and your reply would be, "Till Singapore. If I have to take a plane, I love you no more."

How RIDICULOUS does that sound!!?

In summary, I grew up more in a year, than 18years of my life because of this one girl.

That's why my life now, relates so much to her.

That's basically it. Just a silent feeling.

I'll be ready soon

My parents is forcing me to get a girlfriend.
I really don't know why they're being like this, all of a sudden.
and it's kinda annoying that they're forcing me.
I'll find one when I'm ready.
and I'm definitely not ready now.

I always wonder, "Why are you not ready Rhys?"

and I guess, it's because my heart still longs for her?
idk, maybe, maybe not~
but what I know for sure is, I'm not ready.

Don't really know when I'll be ready,
don't really want to put any deadline on it,
'cause there wont be a point.
I'll be ready, when I'm ready.

and I had a 30minutes+ Skype chat.
really, really enjoyed it.

Other than that,
I'm really filled with work from uni, grandma's birthday, reunions, and washing hair. LOOL

empty words coming out of my mouth?

when you sing a song, what is more important?
the way you enunciate the words?
or the accent you use?
or the feeling you input into the song?

well, i think the last point is the most important. obviously.

i would say i sing quite well? 
but recently, it's just been a bit harder to sing.
not that i'm having sore-throat or what,
but i just don't feel what i'm singing.

as i watch American Idol, or The Voice,
over the years, one thing i learn is to,
"Sing with your heart."
"Sing with emotions."

i thought i understood what they meant.
but truly understanding it, was not till a week or two ago.

i had to do cover with a friend, 'I won't give up' by Jason Mraz,
and while doing it, i encountered a few problems.
pronunciation and whatnot,
but also with the feelings that isn't there.

i tried and tried, to feeeeeeel the song,
but somehow, it just wasn't getting through.
i was stuck.

and that made me realized that,
my feelings and emotions are now,
Level : Neutral
It's there, but ain't there. paradox.

i really don't know why...
maybe cause i'm numb to whatever comes my way,
or maybe just tired of feeling, and being all emotional.

oh well,
lesson this week:
"Do everything with feelings"

Last but not least

A day started filled with emotions, or is it feelings?
Either one, conflicted within an individual was, sadness, jealousy, anger and happiness.
How can everything coincide in one,
well, it just did.
Only one friend knows why. ;)

After everything, what is, just is.
Can't change what's already there.
To use force on something, would just eventually retaliate, one way or the other.
"Let it be." - John Lennon.

Learned something in class, to achieve both authenticity and accuracy is very hard.
A fact has to have those two elements to prove it as a fact.
This theory works for memories too.
How authentic and accurate a memory can be?
Cause to interpret the memory itself, the memory is tampered with excessive imagination and post-memories.

Mannnnnn, this is getting to serious.
but yeah, what I'm trying to get through is,
Living in your memories won't help you get anywhere, because it's your interpretation of the memory, and even if you successfully describe it word-for-word, that experience/memory is over.
Time to really move one Mr.Lee. ;)

but in your dreams, that's where things happen un-tampered, because your unconscious is in control.
"Dreams, that's where I have to go, to see your face." - Gavin Degraw

I'm sorry my friend, I have my reasons to do what I did, but I was afraid that even if I tell you, it's gonna be just another excuse. sorry.

Hopes, dreams, failures, goals, success and life,
in the end, what is, just is.


I'm happy for you. Really am. :)


This would be my last post, I think.
Thank y'all for actually taking your time to read this fullofrubbishfromthisaverageguy.
It's the second reason why I continued writing here.
Wherever you are, thanks~


Enough of writing, time to read. keke.

The first, is a hidden discourse in the text.