The question rarely asked.

The question rarely asked.

I didn't know how to answer when I was asked that. I didn't respond as quickly as I thought I would have. I've always asked myself that question, and always answered, “No”, but I don’t know why, but when I hear it from a third party, I couldn't. First would be me, second would be you personally, third would be from someone else.

I was lost for words, I couldn't reply. Yes or no? Is the answer that simple? Can it ever be that simple with you? Our relationship was never ‘simple’, it was beyond complicated. Who am I kidding? Relationships never are simple. Pfft.

“Do you still love her?”
“I do.”

How can I say no? You were my first. Like an Adele song, “Didn't I give it all?”

I gave a ‘simple’ justification that you were my first love, and I can never forget, how much I grew, how I felt, and how you made me feel.

Anyone would take the answer as legit as it would, and acknowledge, but I can’t. It was still a ‘simple’ answer.

I don’t know how I can make myself happier with another answer, but that was the best I could give in that given time.

“Deep inside, I feel like I will never give anyone else as much as I have given to you. Am I scarred? Do I have commitment issues? Or is love relevant anymore? In the cornerstone of my heart, I know that I love you, and always will, but it’s not plausible at all. You've found your significant other, while you remain to be mine.

When we were together, being with you, I've always made a resolution within my own mind, that you will be the one I will always be. I've never told you this; because I was afraid it might come off as desperate and too ‘clingy’. And to be honest, it would. That statement is an overflowing of cliché, but that was how I felt. Proof of that would be how I still feel for you.

I waited for you to come back, or a time that it would be fitting for me to run back to you, then you found your ‘other’, and I realized that I have lost you, or you've ‘lost’ me. “We are still friends right?” you asked, “Best of friends,” I said. But that is all we will ever be. ‘Friends’. Guess, I could still wait for you.”

Do you ever think of me, in the quiet, in the crowd? – Mumford &amp Sons.

A buddy.

After having dinner with you, walked around and playing archery, I realized you're a really good buddy.
A buddy I don't mind having to hang out with.
but also a buddy, I don't mind doing more.

A buddy.

Leggo 2013

Hey, it's been awhile hasn't it?
Was really busy and lazy to update, knowing I would somehow write a lot.
Which would take a lot of my time up, which is bad, because I always write in the wee hours, and it disturbs my sleeping pattern, making me unable to wake up on time for class.

Let's see, what happened since new years past.
1. New Year passes.
2. One of my best friend went overseas.
3. First studio recording for my bands' song.
4. Insecurities rose.

We shall start with the first one on the list, the New Year.
For starters, I honestly, deep down from my heart, enjoyed 2012.
I guess, it's mostly because I came out from my 'depression phase'. For so long, I forced myself to believe that I was okay after my previous relationship, that if I let go of her, I never truly loved her.
but what I realized was, how could I truly love someone, if I didn't love myself.
It sound like a paradigm of thoughts, but that is how it is.
But I am glad that I can actually think of her, not feel guilt, pain nor anger anymore, but more in the sense of calmness.
In the end of 2012, I was glad to be single and I finally felt how it felt to be single before getting into a relationship. The freedom, from emotional bonds, responsibility and being love-sick.

Secondly, Tuck the comedian and my friend, went overseas.
Well, I didn't really miss him that much, since we never really hangout everyday like we used to in Pre-U, but while writing this now, I feel sad.
I guess it's the fact that I'm admitting it to myself that now, I don't have someone to share all my problems with, or my deep down weird ass thoughts. That 'guy' friend, when I just need to hangout with.
He's an intelligent and a good person to have a conversation with. And all we do is just sit down, talk about life, girls and our future. It might seem like any other conversations, but I feel like our conversations have depths and it wouldn't end 'till the wee hours in the morning.

Thirdly, my band, All the Angels, recorded our first single! OMGOSH, that just happened. Yes. It. Did.
It's not exactly my band, but yeah, the music we created together is going to be on a MP3, which means a lot to me, because I've been dreaming for a day, that I would hear our music in the radio.
I'm not entirely satisfied with the whole process because, we were supposed to record two songs, and we ended up recording one, because the first was out of tempo. And my guitarist had a terrible sore-throat which means, he couldn't really give his 100% all for the recording, which was a bit of a bummer. But, all is well.

And lastly, my insecurities about life.
I almost got into an accident while going to Penang, but obviously I survived, and it makes you realize for that split second that, "Hey, nothing is as bad as dying."
I know that might sound a bit straightforward, but it is true.
We worry about so many problem and things in life, but it's not as bad as dying.
I guess that could be seen in two perspective, pessimistically or optimistically. And I choose the latter.
The other insecurities is, before the year ended, I was thinking of the year, and how it's been for me, then I thought about the women in my life, and would I eventually start a relationship with someone next year or somewhere in the future.
In 2012, I kinda promised myself that I won't get married, I guess after my ex, I'm just a bit terrified and insecure to give someone my 'all' anymore. And if I can't give my 'all' to someone, I rather not give at all.
It's a little selfish, but that is my defense mechanism.
And all that thinking made me feel really lonely, to know that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I know I have friends and all, but that doesn't constitute for everything. Friends are friends, and lovers are lovers.
If I have the gift of celibacy, I would accept it, but if I don't, I really hope I get a sign from God that I will eventually find someone in the future.

And that's that.
I know for sure 2013 would be a great and good year.
I've never truly feel so ambitious about a looking ahead, and now I am.
LEGGO 2013.

"If love comes your way, don't be afraid, unlock the box your heart encased."
- Maybe I'm just tired, As tall as lions. -

A Wallflower

A 'wallflower' is someone who's on the sidelines of social events.
Well, not only just events but life, in general.

I just watched 'The Perks Of Being A Wallflower', and I've gotta say it's an amazing movie.
The storyline was simply beautiful, thee music played was great and somehow relatable.

In my own words, the movie is about a boy, Charlie who just started high school and has no friends. But he then meets friends that would change his freshmen year. It's a story of loneliness, friendship, acceptance, experiences, pasts, rejection, forgiveness and being infinite.

It's relatable because I myself know how it feels to be a wallflower. Just standing at the side and being push around.
The first few years in between of primary school and high school for me was horrible.
Not knowing what is wrong and right, what is accepted or not, was I good enough or not.
It was hard not knowing what I am, and what I was suppose to do. I guess that's why I somehow let other people push me around. Thought it was normal.

Not many know how it feels to really be on the sidelines sometimes. To be just discarded and left alone. And some that do, wouldn't wish the same for others.
I admit I changed. For better or worst, I changed. Took me sometime to really know how the system works.
To confirm to what's accepted, being the 'cool kids', pushing the 'wallflowers' along the way.
From the bottom of my heart, I apologize and I regret those things that I did. I was stupid, young, immature, friendless.
I had no one, and these guys picked me up and took me in, and I accepted everything they did.

I wish I could go back, and be there for people. Be there for those 'wallflowers'. Like how Charlie's friends were there for him, making him feel better.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I know how it feels to be a wallflower, and I be something I never had in the beginning, a friend.
And it's okay to be a wallflower because you can never fully be accepted, and somewhat remain in the sidelines. 
It's okay not to have a hero sometimes, just a sidekick would be enough. 

Welcome to the land of misfits twice.

A&E part 1

This blogpost is going to be mainly about a dream I dreamt few days ago. and because its two days ago, I can barely remember what it was, and most of this might be exaggeration.

As you all know, I’m a guy who loves to travel, to see new things, to experience new cultures, and to meet new people, but somehow, this time, it was different. I didn’t enjoy being where I was, I hated it, I despised it, I resented it, but it was a family vacation, and we wouldn’t be a ‘family’ if I wasn’t there.

So there I was, somewhere up in the northern Europe, and this is strange that I hated it, because I’ve always dreamed of going to that part of the world. Earphones in my ear and all focused on my smart phone, checking tweets and facebook statuses, ignoring the scenery, ignoring the people, the culture, basically everything, but then a little kid ran passed me and his hands slightly hit my knee, and all my attention was turned to him.

I was pissed off, thinking who the heck this kid is, disturbing my private space and touching me, but all my frustration and anger just fluttered away when he turned. He was so freaking adorable, and cute, and chubby, and small and cute. Well, we all have those moments, when we see the ‘perfect-little-kid’ walking around the mall, or our friends/relative’s kid.

As soon as he hit my knee, I made this ‘tsk’ sound, as a sign of my frustration, and he immediately realized and turned around to apologize.
“I’m really sorry. Won’t happen again~~~~”, then he ran off with his arms wide open, thinking he’s an airplane.

My attention was literally just him, for that few moments, then someone ran pass me quickly as well, chasing that kid. She looked really rush, as if unprepared for a job or something. She was holding a few bags, maybe one for herself, the other two might be the kids’ food and whatnot.

I couldn't catch up to them because we were passing through this alleyway, and I heard the tour guide saying that this wall is a famous landmark around here because, people would usually take pens, markers, or even spray paint, to do some graffiti on the wall, and the pictures drawn represents their dreams. In other words, it was a ‘dream-wall’.

The alleyway was sort of narrow, and everyone stopped and stared at the graffiti, but it wasn’t of my concern at all. All I wanted to do was just find both of them.

I came to the end of the alleyway, and it was a junction. I couldn’t see them either on my right or left, so I took a chance and went to the right. My earphone was playing ‘She’s got you high’ by Mumm-Ra, even though it is good and awesome music, but given the current situation and intensity, the song was rather annoying, so I kept my earphones in my pocket, to search for them better.

Reaching the end of that way, it leads to another junction as well and that was when I gave up. I decided to walk back to find my parents, before they realize I’m missing and start panicking or whatnot. Deep down inside, I really hoped that the kid and the girl is part of tour, so I could get to know them more, but reality was that we return to the hotel for rest-time before going out for dinner.

The hotel that we stayed in, wasn’t SUPER impressive, but it was… comfy. I shared a room with Sean, he called dibs on the bed that faces the television, but I didn’t bother arguing because I really wasn’t in the mood. A comfortable bed, suddenly felt uncomfortable, due to thinking of what happened earlier. So I decided to go for a dive at the pool downstairs.

The pool had a simple setting, it was in a shape of an eight, no slides… simple. I dipped my legs first, before jumping in, and out of a sudden, SPLASH.
I was wet, from head to knee, and was really shocked.

Someone tapped my shoulders, and as I turned around, it was her. That girl.
and as the random jumper came up for air, it turned out to be the kid as well.

To be continued, cause I'm tired at 2.44 am.

Hip hop

The words and sentences in a rap, isn't the same with the mainstream music we hear on the radio.

If you pay enough attention, you would know that the lyrics of mainstream music are very straightforward.
Seems simple and easy enough to write the lyrics. It just take a professional on the mixing machine, to put in some cool and catchy tune.

But that's different from hip hop. The music itself isn't just mainly bass and drums, but it has a bit if orchestra and acoustic feel to it.
Rappers like lil' Wayne and FloRida are good rappers, no doubt, it's just they aren't creative. Maybe lil' Wayne's "How to love", was alright, but the rest is just... mehhhh.

Compared to artist like Eminem, Macklemore, and Mickey Cho, all three which I'm currently into now, (which explains my bias) have great lyrics and depth.
It's like they're telling a story, and it rhymes.
It's strong and poetic.
In a world so damned like ours, it's hard to find lyrics that speak right into our hearts.

These rappers and artists aren't just makin music according to their label company, but telling us their experiences and history.
It's honest and inspirational.

I will definitely explore this genre more, cause I feel it's the place where I can express so much more than in a 'straightforward' song.

"A couple years later, I would focus all my time,
on the art of hip hop, learning how to write and rhyme."
- Mickey Cho

Standards

We all set a certain standards in our lives.

Be it, education, 

friends, 

table manners,

social manner,

or even relationships.

We set high or low standards for whatever we choose, because we somehow know how the 'system' works.

The 'system' is.. basically the society, or how people work.

We get how things are suppose to be, 

what things are accepted or not, 

what things we choose to be bad or good.

We know it so well, we actually become actors.

Ever heard a friend tell you, or vice versa, "I lie so well, I can be an actor/actress."

Well, sad to tell you this, we all 'act'. Whether we like it or not, we do.

Our subconscious is always telling us to act in a certain way, because some things aren't accepted in society, and as I just mentioned above, "We know how the system works."

When we trip over a stepping stone, we act all cool and try to not attract attention or whatsoever. We try to remain calm, when it's alright to actually just scream out loud for shock and sudden pain, but we choose to remain.. calm?

So, as I was saying, we set standards in life.

and as a guy myself, I set standards for a few stuff. 

Things that are personal to me, like..

Family, friends, love?

When I set a certain standard for a girl, whether I've known her for a long time, or I just met her, I set standards. To see whether she reaches it or not.

So, to set these standards, I test her with flirts, actions, and whatnot.

I try to make her like me, and soon enough it actually works. Then I think to myself, "What if I set higher standards? Could she reach it?"
and then, she doesn't.

So, is it wrong for me to set higher standards?

'Cause I believe that I could do better.

I know this sounds douchebag-ish, but honestly, why settle for 'less', when we can have something we really deserve.

and I know, sometimes love takes us by surprise and all, but at the end of the day, we still set certain standards for them. Admit it, we do.

I don't mean to make females, as a subject, or an object. I really don't.

I respect them for who they are and what they can do.

I'm sort of a slight feminist, but not so into the whole damn shiz, 'cause girls can sometimes really be girls. Girls, you know it. 

Back to the point, the standards we set, somehow make us fight for a better chance with a better partner. And that's when we yearn to have that challenge, we want to get knock down to get back up to fight harder and stronger again.

We want challenges, to make it more interesting and exciting, which could make the journey more memorable and fun.

Yet again, I don't mean to sound like a complete asshole, saying I 'play' girls. I don't.

'Cause girls that I really flirt with, end up playing me.

and sometimes, when I'm not trying, things happen. Unexpected things.

Somewhere deep inside of us, our desire to have the best is in there somewhere.

So, for me, setting a high standard is a good thing.