A Wallflower

A 'wallflower' is someone who's on the sidelines of social events.
Well, not only just events but life, in general.

I just watched 'The Perks Of Being A Wallflower', and I've gotta say it's an amazing movie.
The storyline was simply beautiful, thee music played was great and somehow relatable.

In my own words, the movie is about a boy, Charlie who just started high school and has no friends. But he then meets friends that would change his freshmen year. It's a story of loneliness, friendship, acceptance, experiences, pasts, rejection, forgiveness and being infinite.

It's relatable because I myself know how it feels to be a wallflower. Just standing at the side and being push around.
The first few years in between of primary school and high school for me was horrible.
Not knowing what is wrong and right, what is accepted or not, was I good enough or not.
It was hard not knowing what I am, and what I was suppose to do. I guess that's why I somehow let other people push me around. Thought it was normal.

Not many know how it feels to really be on the sidelines sometimes. To be just discarded and left alone. And some that do, wouldn't wish the same for others.
I admit I changed. For better or worst, I changed. Took me sometime to really know how the system works.
To confirm to what's accepted, being the 'cool kids', pushing the 'wallflowers' along the way.
From the bottom of my heart, I apologize and I regret those things that I did. I was stupid, young, immature, friendless.
I had no one, and these guys picked me up and took me in, and I accepted everything they did.

I wish I could go back, and be there for people. Be there for those 'wallflowers'. Like how Charlie's friends were there for him, making him feel better.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I know how it feels to be a wallflower, and I be something I never had in the beginning, a friend.
And it's okay to be a wallflower because you can never fully be accepted, and somewhat remain in the sidelines. 
It's okay not to have a hero sometimes, just a sidekick would be enough. 

Welcome to the land of misfits twice.

A&E part 1

This blogpost is going to be mainly about a dream I dreamt few days ago. and because its two days ago, I can barely remember what it was, and most of this might be exaggeration.

As you all know, I’m a guy who loves to travel, to see new things, to experience new cultures, and to meet new people, but somehow, this time, it was different. I didn’t enjoy being where I was, I hated it, I despised it, I resented it, but it was a family vacation, and we wouldn’t be a ‘family’ if I wasn’t there.

So there I was, somewhere up in the northern Europe, and this is strange that I hated it, because I’ve always dreamed of going to that part of the world. Earphones in my ear and all focused on my smart phone, checking tweets and facebook statuses, ignoring the scenery, ignoring the people, the culture, basically everything, but then a little kid ran passed me and his hands slightly hit my knee, and all my attention was turned to him.

I was pissed off, thinking who the heck this kid is, disturbing my private space and touching me, but all my frustration and anger just fluttered away when he turned. He was so freaking adorable, and cute, and chubby, and small and cute. Well, we all have those moments, when we see the ‘perfect-little-kid’ walking around the mall, or our friends/relative’s kid.

As soon as he hit my knee, I made this ‘tsk’ sound, as a sign of my frustration, and he immediately realized and turned around to apologize.
“I’m really sorry. Won’t happen again~~~~”, then he ran off with his arms wide open, thinking he’s an airplane.

My attention was literally just him, for that few moments, then someone ran pass me quickly as well, chasing that kid. She looked really rush, as if unprepared for a job or something. She was holding a few bags, maybe one for herself, the other two might be the kids’ food and whatnot.

I couldn't catch up to them because we were passing through this alleyway, and I heard the tour guide saying that this wall is a famous landmark around here because, people would usually take pens, markers, or even spray paint, to do some graffiti on the wall, and the pictures drawn represents their dreams. In other words, it was a ‘dream-wall’.

The alleyway was sort of narrow, and everyone stopped and stared at the graffiti, but it wasn’t of my concern at all. All I wanted to do was just find both of them.

I came to the end of the alleyway, and it was a junction. I couldn’t see them either on my right or left, so I took a chance and went to the right. My earphone was playing ‘She’s got you high’ by Mumm-Ra, even though it is good and awesome music, but given the current situation and intensity, the song was rather annoying, so I kept my earphones in my pocket, to search for them better.

Reaching the end of that way, it leads to another junction as well and that was when I gave up. I decided to walk back to find my parents, before they realize I’m missing and start panicking or whatnot. Deep down inside, I really hoped that the kid and the girl is part of tour, so I could get to know them more, but reality was that we return to the hotel for rest-time before going out for dinner.

The hotel that we stayed in, wasn’t SUPER impressive, but it was… comfy. I shared a room with Sean, he called dibs on the bed that faces the television, but I didn’t bother arguing because I really wasn’t in the mood. A comfortable bed, suddenly felt uncomfortable, due to thinking of what happened earlier. So I decided to go for a dive at the pool downstairs.

The pool had a simple setting, it was in a shape of an eight, no slides… simple. I dipped my legs first, before jumping in, and out of a sudden, SPLASH.
I was wet, from head to knee, and was really shocked.

Someone tapped my shoulders, and as I turned around, it was her. That girl.
and as the random jumper came up for air, it turned out to be the kid as well.

To be continued, cause I'm tired at 2.44 am.

Hip hop

The words and sentences in a rap, isn't the same with the mainstream music we hear on the radio.

If you pay enough attention, you would know that the lyrics of mainstream music are very straightforward.
Seems simple and easy enough to write the lyrics. It just take a professional on the mixing machine, to put in some cool and catchy tune.

But that's different from hip hop. The music itself isn't just mainly bass and drums, but it has a bit if orchestra and acoustic feel to it.
Rappers like lil' Wayne and FloRida are good rappers, no doubt, it's just they aren't creative. Maybe lil' Wayne's "How to love", was alright, but the rest is just... mehhhh.

Compared to artist like Eminem, Macklemore, and Mickey Cho, all three which I'm currently into now, (which explains my bias) have great lyrics and depth.
It's like they're telling a story, and it rhymes.
It's strong and poetic.
In a world so damned like ours, it's hard to find lyrics that speak right into our hearts.

These rappers and artists aren't just makin music according to their label company, but telling us their experiences and history.
It's honest and inspirational.

I will definitely explore this genre more, cause I feel it's the place where I can express so much more than in a 'straightforward' song.

"A couple years later, I would focus all my time,
on the art of hip hop, learning how to write and rhyme."
- Mickey Cho

Standards

We all set a certain standards in our lives.

Be it, education, 

friends, 

table manners,

social manner,

or even relationships.

We set high or low standards for whatever we choose, because we somehow know how the 'system' works.

The 'system' is.. basically the society, or how people work.

We get how things are suppose to be, 

what things are accepted or not, 

what things we choose to be bad or good.

We know it so well, we actually become actors.

Ever heard a friend tell you, or vice versa, "I lie so well, I can be an actor/actress."

Well, sad to tell you this, we all 'act'. Whether we like it or not, we do.

Our subconscious is always telling us to act in a certain way, because some things aren't accepted in society, and as I just mentioned above, "We know how the system works."

When we trip over a stepping stone, we act all cool and try to not attract attention or whatsoever. We try to remain calm, when it's alright to actually just scream out loud for shock and sudden pain, but we choose to remain.. calm?

So, as I was saying, we set standards in life.

and as a guy myself, I set standards for a few stuff. 

Things that are personal to me, like..

Family, friends, love?

When I set a certain standard for a girl, whether I've known her for a long time, or I just met her, I set standards. To see whether she reaches it or not.

So, to set these standards, I test her with flirts, actions, and whatnot.

I try to make her like me, and soon enough it actually works. Then I think to myself, "What if I set higher standards? Could she reach it?"
and then, she doesn't.

So, is it wrong for me to set higher standards?

'Cause I believe that I could do better.

I know this sounds douchebag-ish, but honestly, why settle for 'less', when we can have something we really deserve.

and I know, sometimes love takes us by surprise and all, but at the end of the day, we still set certain standards for them. Admit it, we do.

I don't mean to make females, as a subject, or an object. I really don't.

I respect them for who they are and what they can do.

I'm sort of a slight feminist, but not so into the whole damn shiz, 'cause girls can sometimes really be girls. Girls, you know it. 

Back to the point, the standards we set, somehow make us fight for a better chance with a better partner. And that's when we yearn to have that challenge, we want to get knock down to get back up to fight harder and stronger again.

We want challenges, to make it more interesting and exciting, which could make the journey more memorable and fun.

Yet again, I don't mean to sound like a complete asshole, saying I 'play' girls. I don't.

'Cause girls that I really flirt with, end up playing me.

and sometimes, when I'm not trying, things happen. Unexpected things.

Somewhere deep inside of us, our desire to have the best is in there somewhere.

So, for me, setting a high standard is a good thing.

Core.

I don't want to get married.
I don't want to have kids.
I don't want a nice and perfect family..
If it isn't with you.

This is sort of a promise I made to myself.

Somewhere deep in me, I have this idealistic point of view on love. That there'll be only one person I'll ever love.. And sad to say, I already did.

There's no way she'll ever return the favour of loving me, which means all of the above.

Would you be ready to live life knowing that you won't ever find another significant other..
'Cause I am.

I know it's kind of a silly notion, and that I might as well be prepared to live alone for the rest of my life like that..
And I am.
Or you could even say that I'm not opening myself up to anyone.
If God does send someone, she'd be the one.. Till then, I don't care.

On the other hand, I could be wrong.
Maybe she's not the one.
Maybe it wasn't love.
Maybe there is more out there.
Just.. Maybe.

"Lord you know me till the very core,
And deep inside, I know there must be more." - Abba

Nostalgia.

The Tale of the Lost Cup

Today, I was drinking soya bean from a cup.
and what made this experience a little different,
was the fact that it was the cup I wanted to give to Audrey.

Well, like always, I had something up my sleeves, for the future.
So I just bought it a few months before its' scheduled date.
Wanted to gave it during a month-vesarry sort of thingie,
but.. didn't managed to.

So I put it away like most of the other things,
in a box,
in a corner,
away.

Until I saw it again today.
I was honestly shocked, and started panicking,
quickly asked my maid where she found it,
not sure if anyone knew what the initials were for.

She said my mom gave it to her,
because my mom couldn't stand my messy room,
and cleaned it all up, by herself.
what.a.mom.

And I was sort of wondering what should I do with it?
Should I have thrown it out?
Should I have broken it into pieces?
No, I chose to used it.
Mostly because, it's to serve me a reminder.

A reminder of the past 11months of my life, without this girl.
How I changed, how I grew, how I survived, and how I experience life after that.
It was definitely different, but..
I'm here today, telling you,
"I'm better."

Thinking about the time that cup stayed in that corner,
reflects a bit about my life.
About how I kept a part of me in a corner of the world,
so that no one else could ever take a peek of it.

I guess, the only way for it to resurface, and see light once more,
is that a stressed up, annoyed person to clean me up, and sort things into order.

and for now, the cup is doing fine.
I definitely will use it, cause it's useful, in many ways. 

Comfortable Silence

Is it better to express or to retain your feelings.?

If you tell, you're admitting.
If you don't, you're lying to yourself.
But when you don't mention anything about that feeling, it could just slip away like a paper under a door.

I guess, it depends on the situation. As it is kinda tricky and subjective.
It might work for me, but not for you.

I have this silent feeling in me, that I will just tell only 'you' (whoever is reading this).

——————————————

I hate it when people go all, "Why do you have to relate everything back to her? I don't think your argument is valid through 'that'. Everrrryyyttthiiing is about her isn't it??"

And I'm like, "Dafaq!?"

The things Audrey did to my life.
1. I grew up. I became more matured as an adult. I know what to expect in a relationship and how to handle them.

Regardless of anything, 'we' had a relationship. And that counts.

2. The experience I shared with her was not only just memorable, but lessons in life.

I learned more about myself as I was with her. That I was this egoistic, prideful guy, and she changed me. To be a better man for myself, for her.

The hurt, the joy and her, taught that it's not all about me, but that significant other.

3. The real meaning of, 'Love'.

The only way to give up, is giving up.

You don't give excuses of distance, time, money and DEFINITELY NOT the lack of love.

You don't call it love, if it fades. If it does fade, ask yourself, "Is that your limit to love? That something so small and micro, like distance measures the size of your love?"

Imagine this, your significant other asks you, "How much do you love me?" and your reply would be, "Till Singapore. If I have to take a plane, I love you no more."

How RIDICULOUS does that sound!!?

In summary, I grew up more in a year, than 18years of my life because of this one girl.

That's why my life now, relates so much to her.

That's basically it. Just a silent feeling.

I'll be ready soon

My parents is forcing me to get a girlfriend.
I really don't know why they're being like this, all of a sudden.
and it's kinda annoying that they're forcing me.
I'll find one when I'm ready.
and I'm definitely not ready now.

I always wonder, "Why are you not ready Rhys?"

and I guess, it's because my heart still longs for her?
idk, maybe, maybe not~
but what I know for sure is, I'm not ready.

Don't really know when I'll be ready,
don't really want to put any deadline on it,
'cause there wont be a point.
I'll be ready, when I'm ready.

and I had a 30minutes+ Skype chat.
really, really enjoyed it.

Other than that,
I'm really filled with work from uni, grandma's birthday, reunions, and washing hair. LOOL

empty words coming out of my mouth?

when you sing a song, what is more important?
the way you enunciate the words?
or the accent you use?
or the feeling you input into the song?

well, i think the last point is the most important. obviously.

i would say i sing quite well? 
but recently, it's just been a bit harder to sing.
not that i'm having sore-throat or what,
but i just don't feel what i'm singing.

as i watch American Idol, or The Voice,
over the years, one thing i learn is to,
"Sing with your heart."
"Sing with emotions."

i thought i understood what they meant.
but truly understanding it, was not till a week or two ago.

i had to do cover with a friend, 'I won't give up' by Jason Mraz,
and while doing it, i encountered a few problems.
pronunciation and whatnot,
but also with the feelings that isn't there.

i tried and tried, to feeeeeeel the song,
but somehow, it just wasn't getting through.
i was stuck.

and that made me realized that,
my feelings and emotions are now,
Level : Neutral
It's there, but ain't there. paradox.

i really don't know why...
maybe cause i'm numb to whatever comes my way,
or maybe just tired of feeling, and being all emotional.

oh well,
lesson this week:
"Do everything with feelings"

Last but not least

A day started filled with emotions, or is it feelings?
Either one, conflicted within an individual was, sadness, jealousy, anger and happiness.
How can everything coincide in one,
well, it just did.
Only one friend knows why. ;)

After everything, what is, just is.
Can't change what's already there.
To use force on something, would just eventually retaliate, one way or the other.
"Let it be." - John Lennon.

Learned something in class, to achieve both authenticity and accuracy is very hard.
A fact has to have those two elements to prove it as a fact.
This theory works for memories too.
How authentic and accurate a memory can be?
Cause to interpret the memory itself, the memory is tampered with excessive imagination and post-memories.

Mannnnnn, this is getting to serious.
but yeah, what I'm trying to get through is,
Living in your memories won't help you get anywhere, because it's your interpretation of the memory, and even if you successfully describe it word-for-word, that experience/memory is over.
Time to really move one Mr.Lee. ;)

but in your dreams, that's where things happen un-tampered, because your unconscious is in control.
"Dreams, that's where I have to go, to see your face." - Gavin Degraw

I'm sorry my friend, I have my reasons to do what I did, but I was afraid that even if I tell you, it's gonna be just another excuse. sorry.

Hopes, dreams, failures, goals, success and life,
in the end, what is, just is.


I'm happy for you. Really am. :)


This would be my last post, I think.
Thank y'all for actually taking your time to read this fullofrubbishfromthisaverageguy.
It's the second reason why I continued writing here.
Wherever you are, thanks~


Enough of writing, time to read. keke.

The first, is a hidden discourse in the text.

Dreams vs. Dreams.

There are two kinds of dreams.

One, it comes in your sleep.
The other, it comes in your future.

For awhile now, I've been missing out on both.

I could neither dream, or had a dream.

I was sleeping late all the time, and the more tired you are, the less chances you are to dream in your sleep. That is why, sometimes I would just hit the sack a wee bit early.
Just to dream.

'Cause sometimes dreams are just a sense of 'escape'. 

Where you just want to run away from reality, and enjoy in a world where anything can happen.

Literally anything can happen. 

As adventurous as sailing the seven seas, or just spending a quiet spring day with a significant other.

There are also dreams, that just might scare the jibbers outta ya.

but other than the scare dreams, dreams that take your breath away, are the dreams.

It's quite interesting really, to actually know the fact, that the power of our minds are just unimaginable. 

We can do so much with it, even when we are asleep.

Literally anything can happen.  

and the difference between dreaming, and conscious imagination is, that dreams take you to places you least expect it. 

You could even find yourself surprised to what's happening. Thinking, "Could this ever happen?"

Only once, have I woke because I realized that the dream was way too good to be true. 

Last year, was the year that I realized what my dream really is.

Filmography and production.
Production not only in the film industry, but the music industry as well.
I've never heard anyone accomplish both so well, don't know if it's possible to achieve two.

but I will achieve at least one.

And at the moment, film is the one with more leverage.
Having a crew with some friends to do film, is just such an amazing thing, but lately, we haven't been as active, or as passionate, or as close as we were before.

but I wont let those dudes pull me down. No never.

Until I finish this 4dreadedyearsofsufferingandloserishcourse, I will still try my best in finishing it rather well. 

but till then, film and production have to wait.
This 4 years, is a test I would say. A test of dream.

How strong is my dream?

To those who really have a dream in mind, I urge you,

If you really believe with all your heart, soul and mind, that THAT is your dream. Go for it, if you have the chance. I have a dream, but limited chance.

I envy your blessings to be given a second chance.

Sometimes, we're meant to fail for the sake of a better chance in the future.

“I have a dream.” – Martin Luther King

Both in reality or a different state,

I dream you.

Dream to save the world today, myself tomorrow. 

2am

It's past 2am now.
and I can't sleep, I can't stop..
so I just thought that I would just write.
It always seemed to help, somehow.


I guess it all started a few days ago?
When 2AM had their comeback.
They released their new album, and was kinda anticipating for it,
cause I've watched WGM, so Jo Kwon is like an automatically like for his character, which include Seul Ong cause he's always with them. LOL.
Then Dream High 2 featured Jin Woon, which he's doing quite good, for a rookie actor.

As expected from a ballad group, they would normally produce slower tempo songs.
Happy or sad, it's still rather calm and soothing to listen.
It also has the very orchestra feel to it. Which is rather awesome. ;)
It's the kind of songs you would want to hear when it rains, when you're just waiting for class or something.
Was kinda hoping that their comeback MV would be a lot more joyful?
Since all their past MV's are like crying and leave and lost and the mushy stuffffsssss.

It starts with him walking into a room, where he meets this old man. And as he explains how he has been feeling for the past year, the old man takes our a glass piano piece and turns it.
You then see him sitting by the table, with letters and pictures of him and her together. As his looks through it one by one, the pictures and letters turns into blank pieces of paper. He then tries to save 'em, but the more he tried, the faster it spreads. He then sat in despair, till he saw the cupboard door that he didn't open. Once opening it, he realizes that she was in it, then he brings he to a seat. He tried to hug her, but then she too turned into pieces of paper. Trying to bring himself up, he started walking, but his first step turned him into pieces of paper too. The MV ends with the old man, walking out from the shop alone.

I guess, the pieces of paper represented memories. Memories are kept through pictures, letters, and other physical evidence. His memory of her was slowly fading as time went by, but he didn't want it to happen because, he fears that he would then somehow lose her at the same time too.
Whether he tried or not, it slowly faded. Then he realized the cupboard, which represented the remaining bit of his memories. Sometimes, memories aren't just all physical, but it's in our mind somewhere up in there. She represented memories, and she was so real, so vivid, that he could somehow reach out to her and hold her. But time still ticks, and she too turned into a memory.
He decided to walk again, because that's all he could have done. When you hit rock bottom, there's no way out, but up. And that's what he did. You don't go digging the hole deeper and deeper. In his first step, he already made it through. He became memory itself.

The thing that got me thinking was, "If you forget something, could it mean that it might as well mean it didn't happen?" Memories exist through our experience of something. So how could there be experience, if we forgotten our memories?
but I guess not, cause if you forget, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.
Like we don't remember being born, but it did happen. We just don't remember it.

but I wouldn't choose to forget.
Is that the problem?
Who would want to forget,
the best time of their lives,
the decisions they constantly make to stay,
the one, that just is.

or is it better to live with Artificial Memories?
Always trying to make the dreams turn into reality.

I'm scared.

Life's too short

Glee.
A friend of mine gave 14 episodes of the 3rd season.
In the beginning, I was just more interested in the various song renditions they would do.
They always cover songs so uniquely, and introduce new songs, which is kinda COOL.
And the way they mash-up the songs? SO FREAKING.. GENIUS!
Envy their talent.

but what made me really hooked into it a bit, was the different issues it addresses.
I.e. Friendship, equality, honesty, respect, discrimination and music.

Out of all the episodes, the episode 14, 'On My Way'.
What it thought me was, life's way too short for any of us to actually predict what could happen.
We can never be sure of the future, even if we have big dreams.

Do you think, you could ever live tomorrow, like its your last?
Say what you need to say.
Do what you need to do.
Forget the pain, focus on the joy.
Give all the love you can.

To really do all of those, seem kinda easy, isn't it?
All you need to do, is just be honest.

Can your heart go all out, filled with honesty and truth within?
I don't know for you, but for me, it's kinda hard.
but I did say what I had to say, and the rest, was kinda left up to destiny.

What Glee had thought me, live life.
Sounds easy, sounds like a stupid thing to say,
but, are you really?

Don't count how many years you lived, but the life in those years.
"Life's too short, to care at all." - Cough Syrup by Young The Giant.

Say, Do, Live, Love all you need, before it's too late.
You're really beautiful, in your ways.

Leap Year Blues

29th of February 2012.
Leap year.
Comes every 4years.
Don’t really think I will post anything here, in 4years time. lol.

The week started off quite rather.. ermm, blue?

QUESTION. When is the first day of the week?
Sunday or Monday?
Something worth debating about.

Even if it’s Monday, I would say my week started on Sunday, night
Is it about letting something out, but not heard better?
or is it the opposite?
Well, I got heard, and it feels.. kinda good, relieved.
Guess we’re all cool now, and a lil’ bit awkward. lol.

Went to uni, with my head held high, neverdying dreams.
Then found out that I might not have a chance to go study overseas. Not even a semester.
Unless, I really step up my game this sem, and get things going and done.
Literally spoilt my whole freaking day.
Really tried to be optimistic, but the fact that I kinda failed indirectly just killed me.
Well, boooohoooo on me.

Then started Korean class again, and this time, imma get things right too.
No more fooling around, but to take it more seriously.

Guess I’ll remember today even more, cause Big Bang’s comeback.
Don’t really love ALL their songs, but definitely ALMOST all. Thereisadifference.
Was researching on their updates, and found lyrics to their songs, old and new.
and I REALIZE SOMETHING. Most of their songs are about breakups, but… in a happy swag-ish way.
So many more reasons to love them.

Take a moment to stop doing whatever you’re doing. And just relax.
Let the only thing on your mind be wondering of what I’m about to say.
Empty yet?

It’s better to close your eyes, while doing this, but then you can’t read. So read it first, then do it.

“Close your eyes. Think of a super duper dark place. You know you’re inside somewhere, but just not really. So you decide to just walk straight. Common sense will lead you somewhere if you just keep walking ahead. Then you realize a white little stream of light. You’re in the way of it. Reaching it, it’s a door. And when you open it, a flash of light just explodes. Who’s the first person you see? Then you think why, and what does it mean. “

Just the sort of thing I normally do when I’m bored. It makes me think of something. Reminisce, appreciate, regret, remember or forget.

"I just hope she will be great. To be at her side to support and help her. I don't know whether this is like or not." - JB

You're always on the other side.

Kakao

Back from a holiday I wouldn't say I regret.
Yes. I ate a lot.
Yes. I traveled a lot.
Yes. I met some new friends.
Yes. I made some stronger friendships.
Yes. I spent a lot of money.
Yes. I got to see...

Thought it was the end, then suddenly..
Proven wrong, at least for that few seconds.
It was worth it.
Wished time would just stop, so I could do what I want.

That was indeed a stupid move.
Yes. It. Is.

A Tuesday

Valentine’s Day.

Exactly one year from today, I walked into a dark cold classroom, on one hand holding a mini hotdog, the other a pack of tissue paper.
Everything was exactly as planned.

I quickly finished off the hotdog and used a tissue paper, as an excuse to open the pack.

As you slowly explained what was so interesting about your day so far, I secretly rolled the tissue paper, and before you sentence ended, BAM, a white, dead, ugly looking rose made from a tissue paper.

Passed it to you, like it was so coincidentally made.
Luckily the class was dark enough to cover my face, it was literally burning.
Cool over shy. Yea... LOL

Well, that was last year.
This year, I deliberately chose this date to leave the country, because... WHY NOT? Right?
A long holiday before the hectic university starts.
Gahhh.. hate.my.course. nuffsaid.

Oh, and I think Valentine’s day has its benefits.
Always thought it’s a lousy day event.

One of ‘em is, any past arguments or miscommunication of any sort, can be resolved with roses, bears and chocolates. Yes, the triple combo gifts.
The other would be, an excuse to spend a ‘lil more money for that special someone. ‘Cause some people never wanna spend money on they partner, or their partner never want money to be spent on them, so this could help.
And, it’s like any other day, a reminder. That you should cherish and love the ones you care for. Spouse, partner, family or friends.

To all the couples out there, good luck and I wish you have a good day ahead.

Forget about all your problems of the past, put it away, and just live the moment with the one you love.
At least, just for today.

As for me…
It’s a SAD day.
Single Awareness Day. (SAD)

‘Cause tonight I’m feeling like an astronaut,
Sending SOS, from this tiny box,
To the lonely people that the world forgot,
Are you out there?
‘Cause you’re all I’ve got.
-Astronaut by Simple Plan.

Even in that dark room, I still could see those eyes.

White - Purity, Innocence, Silence, Secrecy, Humility, Heavenly, "I'm worthy". 

Head-ache.

Ice Cold Eyes?

He was holding back his tears, a single tear. Looking away from our view of his eyes.

The guys and I could see what he was going through, cause he was stopping in between his sentences to catch his breath.
We all looked away, cause we know that he's a man that wants and has the 'cool' image. 

but then, as time passed, I realized that a single tear, fell from his left eye. 

And that was when I knew, he needed our support, as friends, as his buddies. 

The more he spoke and explained, the more it fell. 

How could every word he said, be.. so similar to how I felt?

I was so shocked, that he, my friend too, was going through the same thing as I was.

The 'useless' feeling came over me as I was sitting there with him, and repeating, "It's okay." 

He knows and I know, that things ain't okay at all, but it was okay to be open with friends you could trust.

The eyes are the windows to the soul.

That's what they usually say when they can see what the person is feeling just by looking into their eyes.

Whether it be wet or dry, the question is, "Is it possible? To really see a persons' feelings and emotions, just by looking into their eyes?"

What catches my attention from every single individual is their face, their eyes in particular.
If I ever had a choice to look at a part of a persons' features, it would be their eyes.

It's something about them eyes. It's just.. fascinating, in a way. Like, "WOOAHH, look at his/her eye.!!"

I believe every pair of eyes are different.

Well, I can't be sure, since I never actually seen 7billion sets of eyes. 

but so far, it's different for everyone.

A lot of eyes have caught my attention, guys and girls alike, but none stand out like yours do.

Killer eyes. 

Just something about it. Idk what, but the eyes... GAHH, err-may-zeen. Totally different.

I remember tears streaming down your face when I said, "I'll never let you go." When all those shadows almost killed your light. I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone." But all that's dead and gone and past tonight."

-Safe&Sound by Taylor Swift ft Civil Wars.

Remember?

Broken promises remembered, the feeling makes you kinda feel like a loser, for not keeping it.

A friend argued with me that if I broke a promise unintentionally, then i shouldn't really feel guilty. I just prefer not to thing that way, 'cause if you really mean it, you would actually take extra steps and make reminders or whatnot to make it happen. You're innocent, only if a house drops on you, or if... err... death?

Well, that's my take on that argument. 

Less promises it is then.

Okay, back to the topic.

Question. If you had to pick a part of your body, which you COULD and COULDN'T live without, which would it be?

Mine would be, eyes, for both.

I could live without it because, we live in this world that perceives beauty or good and wrong in such a way, that it has blinded our view of the true vision that it is. Tho whom is these standards according too? 

Why do I need to 'like' something I see? 

For an example, peoples' behaviour, attitude, characteristics, beliefs, skin color, religion, fashion sense, or whatever. I shouldn't need to judge them before knowing them. 

As long as our mind is in the right moral state, we should know what's acceptable or not.

'Colorblind', is the way to see.
Went to watch 'Wicked the Musical'. IT WAS AWESOME.
out of everything else, one scene touched me the most. It was..
Glinda received a present from her grandma, a long black hat. She didn't like it, and her 'friends' asked her to give it to someone she hates. And she immediately thought of Elphaba(the witch). She gave it to her, out of 'kindness' and asked her to wear it to the dance, and Elphaba accepted it without exception, happily.
As the dance started, Glinda's teacher decided to teach her, just because Elphaba insisted on it. She gave up her spot for Glinda, so that she can learn sorcery. Then she felt so bad, that she treated Elphaba so badly, she decided to be a friend to her, from then onwards.
Elphaba entered the hall, and everyone started laughing at her, because of her outfit, and her inability to dance. Then next thing that happened, was the most amazing thing.
Glinda went to her and danced the same dance that Elphaba failed to do, and made it into 'the dance of the night'. Everyone else accepted her as she is, after that.
That was when their friendship, changed from enemies, to the best of friends.

Like those wise ass say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

I couldn't live without my eyes is because, I love scenery, colors, buildings(those old ones.. and the pyramid?), the moon, and eyes itself.

To no be able to see all of that? DAYUM, how do I experience life to its fullest?

Tip my hat to the people who had lost their vision for whatever reasons, the fact that you still fight and survive through it, it's awesome enough.nuffsaid.

And I guess, everything can be beautiful to anyone, cause we all have different taste in music, art, culture, tradition and everything else.

Yet again, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

*hate it when they're always right.* lol.

Was I wrong when I stared into those eyes?
I saw... 

It doesn't matter now does it? Cause all that's dead and gone and past tonight.

One heck of a roller coaster ride.
And I find myself more brave to ride it again, well, only if the opportunity presents itself.

A sentence, muttered,

A moment, shattered,

Tears out of control,

Both felt it at the soul.

Oh, and tonight was the last full Moon. 

Too Much?

So little to say, but so much time.
Despite my empty mouth, the words are in my mind.

Too much of a good thing.

Dreams, happy moments, weird miss calls.

Can never have to much of a good thing, cause it might turn out bad.
An appropriate balance is required to keep everything in place.
Reality is what it is.

Out of the blue pop ups. ;)

miss it.

Did You?

Ever had a song, that when you listen to the lyrics, or find out what it means, you immediately click to it.

Like the melody and the lyrics, sync with one another.

It's not that you're addicted to it, or how the lyrics goes on a loop in your mind, 

but more of, "Hey, this is what I'm going through."
or, "This is exactly what I'm feeling."
or however it may be, hope you catch my drift. 

Well, there is this one song for me recently.
'I Won't Give Up', by Jason Mraz.

Right from the first line, till the last.
It might not be every line,
but I can definitely relate it to me.

The song can be for someone who's in a relationship, and one who isn't.
One would say,
"Whatever happens, good or bad, I won't give up."
The other would say,
"Whatever happened, through the good and bad, I won't give up."

Well, that's my take on the song.

To a friend that I might have judged way before I gave him time to show it, I'm sorry. I will support you through and through, but I will be brutally honest about everything. If I offend you, you deserve it. Okay, that sounded bad, lol. But yeah, please try all your best, all you can and then only say, "I tried."
For so long, and after countless times of hearing people cry out their relationship problems one by one, again and again... please listen to yourself, and make something happen.
Walk the talk. Let actions come after your words.
If you know something is about to happen or did happen, then do something about it, don't just, "Oh, well." WTF. Never judge something before its' time. You never know what might come out of it.
People like that just get on my friggin nerves.
And I respect people who could always take the first move, to do whatever.
So far, only one caught my eye. So far la. It's you.


I will say it again,
"Relationships is and will be complicated."
Fix yourself, then fix the relationship.

Don't judge.

Awakening

I just had this sudden urge to write something down.
but, my mind is so filled with words now, I don't know which to say.

Just watched Underworld : Awakening.
Good movie, blood here and there.
Kate Beckinsale... uh oh, you're hawt.
I don't know, if it's the accent, your fair skin, or the eyes.
Gosh, you make one good vampire.

Always had this interest in myths and legends, whether it may be Greek, Roman, European or whatever, still damn interesting to me. ;D

In the movie she said, "Just yesterday I was this close to the man I love, and went to sleep. I woke up 12years later finding out that he's not longer alive. I'm not cold hearted, just heartbroken."

I bet we have this moments where we push people away, and sometimes, not them physically, but emotionally as well.
We detach ourselves from people, trying to figure out ourselves.

Can't really take the whole blame right? '
Cause we let emotions and feelings take over.
We're still human, eh.

Frank Ocean's song, 'We All Try', part of the lyrics says,
"I still believe in man,
A wise one asked me why
Cause I just don't believe we're wicked
I know that we sin, but I do believe we all try."

We all try to be good, but somehow somewhat, we fail time and time again.
and we take it into our hearts, and never learn from our mistakes,
but I believe in people, that we forgive and somewhere along time, we forget.
It's easier if we have someone to share the burden with too.

So look up into the sky,
And see that all is calm,
Wave the old you goodbye
For the worst is yet to come.

Trust me, there are far more bad things ahead of us,
but step by step, we conquer.
I conquered.

Not all, but I will, eventually.

보고 싶어

It's Complicated

This movie, "Relationship Status", is in fact, a Malaysian movie.

It's about different kinds of relationships, but not all types of relationships.

It's kinda like "Love Actually", like how all the characters relates to one another.

The movie was shot with a Canon 5D Mark II.
Which is supposedly an 'AWESOME GOOD-ASS' camera.

but, always a 'BUT', the cameraman, sucked. 

The focus was way over controlled, some scenes were blur, it was way, wayyyy, WAYYYY, too shaky. 

Okay, now that the details are done with, on with the movie itself.

SPOILER ALERT.

This guy is in an open relationship, without him even knowing it, that the girl he's hooking up with, had sex with this married guy that made him had a divorce. And the divorcee's wife is friends with a girl that works in the same office as the first guy, and her husband is hooking up with the divorcee'. And a Chinese guy's parents doesn't approve his son for being in a relationship, with a girl so 'open'. And the first guy's boss' husband passed away, and doesn't know how to cope with it.

What makes it all so much more interesting, is that they're all somehow mutually related on Facebook.

It's kinda confusing without watching the movie, but yea, that summarizes it up.

For me, the movie really had a lot of good scenes, like emotional touching scenes. 

The actors and actresses had their good and bad scenes too.

but in the end, the storyline was good and made sense.

Nothing was overrated. 

Best line in the the movie, for me, 

"Take the relationship status on Facebook as an example. We can tell the entire world, we're single, in a relationship, engaged, married, divorced, widowed, whatever we want. We can even tell the world, it's complicated. But here's my question, 'Isn't every relationship complicated?'. "

To all my friends, who's in a relationship now, please remember and know for sure, that every relationship IS and WILL BE complicated. 

'Cause every relationship is different.
You can't take what you see in the movies or in reality and compare them to yours, 'cause it's different.
Accept the differences, and make your way around it. 

Don't make the mistake of quitting when you haven't tried everything.
You just might have the best relationship in the world. Who knows?  

You can be whoever you want, but be real. Every relationship is complicated. 

Just Words

Always breaking promises.
Always not fulfilling my words.

This is when promises becomes, empty meaningless words.

It gives hope and happiness for a moment, but after awhile…

I’m sorry. I broke all my promises.

Big or small, it doesn’t matter ‘cause it still didn’t come to fruition.

I will make it up to you.

Do you remember your most precious promise?

Bye.

Rushed down to see you lying down,
Called your name,
But you made not a sound,
Now its never the same.

Rest In Peace grandma.

Nothing is worst than death?

Mission I.M.Possible

Went to watch MI4, again, with my brother.
Just because he hasn’t seen it yet, cause of his all-so-busy schedule.
Well, he paid, so wtheck right?

This time round, to make the movie count, I paid a little more attention to the little things.
Like every scene has its loophole to the next, like hinting the thing.

There were some interesting scenes, here and there,
but what really caught me eye was, the ending.

He saw his wife, and he couldn’t take his eyes off her.

What kind of love is it, that you give your whole life and the one you love, just so that he/she can be safe?
And you would get the worst kind of treatment.
One of the best kind.

Could you remain silent, about the love you have, so that they can smile and live a better life without you. Hoping that they would eventually love you back.

Ethan Hunt, didn’t gave up on the mission, even when the missile launched, cause he knew his wife was where the bomb might hit.
He tried with all his blood, sweat and more blood, to make sure that she would be safe.
and like his teammate said, “This people don’t even know they were this close to being vaporized.”

He knew, and he made sure that didn’t happened.

We all have this love, silent love.
Think about it. We all do.

And it was a full moon tonight. Wished you saw it.

One of the few silent love I have. A.

Polite

We smile and nod to hide the pain, that could or would, eventually kill us.
Is it ego? Or is it politeness?

If it’s ego, it’s all about themselves and not wanting to humble down.
If it’s politeness, it’s about caring for another persons’ feelings more than themselves.

So do we cry ourselves to sleep just because we have something yet unsaid, but we leave it as it is, for the sake of being polite?
Or do we give the brutal truth, which could cost money, time, hurt and relentlessness, and be judged as ‘ego-ish’?

We should always do something that’s for the better good. But which good?
Yourself or others?
What if one weighed more than the other? Which would you choose?
To save a hundred now, or a million later?

But I guess, most of the time, we are more polite than the other.
We prefer smiles, rather than tears.
Honestly, who wants tears?

Sometimes, we’re just kinda dumb to choose the happy feelings that could last us a minute.
Sometimes. Lol

Just smile and nod. It’s better for everyone. :D

I would smile, to keep you smiling. 

What A Start

 2012.

Nothing much happened for me.
It was like a transition from a second to the next.
Didn’t had that ”Woohoo, it’s a new year,” kinda thing.

Maybe it’s cause I imagined it differently before.

Less than a week down, and 2 people I know passed away.
What a way to start the year eh?

To sit there, to watch and listen to their loved ones mourn and cry over them.
It hurts even just to be there.
The kind of love that you can share, but just not as much equally.

We miss the things that has been done.
We regret the things that hasn’t been done.
We are only human.

Even when I was your shoulder to cry on,
it still wasn’t you.

and R.I.P. Jay, my friend.